I'm so Tired of Shit-Talk

You know that scene in Mean Girls when Rachel McAdams compliments some girl's skirt and then, as soon as the girl leaves, she looks over to Lindsay Lohan and goes, "That is the ugliest f-ing skirt I've ever seen," after which, Lindsay Lohan has a flashback to Rachel McAdams complimenting her bracelet in the same manner, and wondering about the authenticity of that compliment?

The thing about that scene, about that movie and stories like it, is that it's so easy to feel like you're on the "right" side. Rachel McAdams is the other. The tall, pretty, blonde bitch who tricked the Love of Your Life into dating her rich, adulterous self and makes your high school career a living hell. You would never call your friend a "whore" behind her back. You would buddy up with Damian and Janis, go to art fairs, and be super nice and sweet. You're either even better than Cady--you would never lose sight of your real friends--or you're just like her--you might let your head get a little clouded, but in the end you would restore equilibrium, and peace and tranquility would rule the school.

And maybe you are, I don't know you.

But I do know me. And I am the sort of person who sits silently with trash-talking friends as a knot builds in my stomach. Maybe most of us are either talking shit or enabling someone else's shit-talking tendencies. But here's the thing: I'm sick of it.

First and foremost, I'm not an innocent bystander. I complain about people a lot, and sometimes my complaints can be harsh, judgmental, and riddled with low-blows. But I don't usually gripe about how Ginny is dating Paul but I heard she's still hung up on Johnny. Usually, when I gripe about people, I gripe about things that at least relate to me. Not to make excuses for myself, I really need to work on not talking about other people. Like, ever.

I don't mean, I need to "not ever mention another person ever" because sometimes I will be having problems with Katie and I may talk to Ned about it just to work out how I feel and how I should respond. What I mean is: I need to work on not complaining to Ned about Katie, or gossiping about Katie to Ned. See the difference?

But I'm not just talking about how I don't want to complain about people to other people. I don't want to be a part of shit-talk any more. I don't want to perpetuate it, and that has a simple enough solution: just not doing it. But I also don't want to absorb it. I don't want to sit in a room, listening to trash talk and gossip. And that's less easy to deal with.

So, Ned, help me out with Katie, here.

I have friends who seem to love to trash-talk. Let me set up another scene for you:

Say I'm hanging out with a friend--let's call her "Annie"--she'll spew out loads of garbage about someone--"Jessica"--and then we'll run into Jessica and Annie will be, like, "OH MY GOODNESS JESSICA IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! Haha I love you! Lol." Or whatever. Anyway, then I walk around picturing Annie running into me and being, like, "OH MY GOODNESS KAT IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! Haha I love you! Lol" and I really, really wonder what kind of shit she talks on me.

Which is part one of my I don't want to be privy to anymore slanderous and gossipy conversation. Because, honestly, if Annie talks crap about me behind my back, she's not that good of a friend. And if she's not that good of a friend, then I don't care what she says about me. So I don't need to wonder if she's talking crap about me. Either she is and I don't care, or she isn't and I don't need to worry.

But also, I feel gross when I'm around a friend who is bad-mouthing someone. (I feel like a horrible, disgusting bully when I bad-mouth someone, but we've already addressed that I'm trying to stop doing that.) I feel guilty and sad and wounded and sick when I'm around bad-mouthers. And I don't think that "bad-mouthers" are "bad people," but that doesn't mean I want to be around them when they're doing it. I don't like hearing from Chet about Kathy cheating on Andrew, because that doesn't involve Chet at all, and I particularly don't like finding out Chet got his information from Megan. And I don't like when Rachel calls Julie a "bitch" completely out of context and when Julie isn't around to defend herself.

I'm just tired of it.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I would just excuse myself from such conversations in the future. When trash talk begins, I would just say, "I'm sorry, I don't want to talk about this," and either the conversation would cease or I would leave.

But then I was hanging out with Britney when announced, "Ugh! Rebecca's a skank!" And I didn't feel like I was in the position to stop the conversation or leave. Which is especially unfortunate, because I also feel nauseous when people are slut-shaming. So I was sitting, silently, on two levels of discomfort. Three if you factor in the fact that Rebecca's my friend.

What is that? Is that how little my resolve is? Even talking about it now I'm overcome with shame. I know right from wrong, and I should have stuck up for Rebecca.

Anyway, I'm asking for advice here. Ned! I need help with Kathy!

What should I do? Should I talk a blunt, "I can't deal with all this trash talk, so I need you to cut it out or we can't keep hanging out" approach? Or, should I change conversation every time someone starts trash talking?


Also, protection of the innocent here: I made up some of the situations. Like, I've had friends tell me about problems other people are facing that they are in no way a part of, and I've had friends bad mouth people only to be fake-nice to them ten minutes later, but the specific examples are, for the most part, lies. Also, I changed names. So, this isn't really about any Ginnys, Pauls, Johnnys, Neds, Katies, Annies, Jessicas, Chets, Kathys, Andrews, Megans, Rachels, Julies, Britneys, or Rebeccas.