Sometimes, it seems, people think that the best response to my sadness is to just let me sit with it. I totally reinforce this too; if you see me crying and try to hug me I will send the fucking angriest energy into your pores because how dare you touch me!? I glower at people as they try to reassure me--"This is really just an opportunity to make new friends!" "But you know that you aren't actually alone."
Honestly. Who said you could comment on my sadness?
See? I totally reinforce the concept that, if I'm sad, I need to be left alone. Which is so very unfortunate. Seriously, 9/10 times when I'm sad it's because I'm lonely. And I really, really need people. But I don't need people to force a hug on me or demand I talk to them about my problems or to try and repair me. I just need to know that someone's there, someone who I could hug or talk to about my problems or ask for advice if I wanted it. Or someone I could just, you know, watch RomComs with and talk to about dresses.
Unfortunately, it's very, very difficult for me to ask for another person's presence when I'm sad. Honestly, it's very difficult for me to ask for another person's presence when I just want to hang out with them and give them mix CDs, and asking for someone to sit with you and your sadness is asking a whole hell of a lot more out of them.
So sometimes I kind of round about ask for someone's nearness. I throw little comments out into the universe and hope that someone notices and responds.
It's super not fair, I know. I mean it's super, super unfair because, sometimes, I'll think, "Well, shit, when you were going through a tough time I put off homework to listen to your story and I put together a care package and you can't even call me and make sure I'm not crying myself off the highway?" And, don't worry, every time I've ever thought something like that I internally scold myself because how selfish, unfair, and petty is that line of thought?
Which is to say: I'm sorry about my blog yesterday. I feel really bad any time I indirectly ask for comfort or whatever, and I especially feel bad when I indirectly hint at maybe needing comfort and then hoping that someone responds. Furthermore, I feel bad about dumping all of that sad shit on you, dear reader.
But I also wanted to say "Thank you" to a couple of people. Like, my best friend, Alli, who read basically all of my blog posts yesterday and then asked if I wanted to make pies in mason jars (which bee-tee-dubbs I have wanted to make pies in mason jars for forever and if we actually really do it sometime I'll tell you all about it and post pictures and it will literally be the happiest blog post I've ever written.)
Look, this is Alli and I:
Anyway, what I really appreciated (aside from the pies in mason jars suggestion) was that she addressed the whole loneliness thing without really addressing the loneliness thing. She really is the greatest.
And then my friend Michael and my cousin Anna both commented on the whole ordeal with a very empathetic or "This too will pass" outlook. And Anna got me a little reminiscent about the days when we were kids and got to run around our grandparents' forest. (Which is actually a lot smaller than I remember, but I haven't even walked through in ages!)
So, thank you to everyone who showed me that they were here for me, 'cause I really, really appreciated it. And, thank you to everyone who read the post at all. It means a lot to me that you guys care enough about me to read me ramble a lot about my life.
Plus, I'm feeling a lot better today. Like, a lot, a lot better today. See? This is my very genuine happy face:
I always hate when I'm sad/lonely because I feel like it's so... selfish and petty, and then I get hypercritical about myself, which makes me feel sadder and lonelier and it can turn into a huge ordeal that lasts for days. But I'm feeling less sad and lonely and selfish and petty and hypercritical, which is good.
Plus! I'm about to go eat lunch with my family, and that will be fun. So I'm off!
Again: Thank you guys, and I'm sorry. <3
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