Finals are coming up. Don't worry. I'll help you.

So. If you're someone currently going to school in the United States and probably a lot of other places, too, and you're older than, like, fourteen, you probably have finals coming up, as your semester comes to a close. Maybe you're new to the whole final thing--like, it's your first year of high school, or your first year of college, or you've had a bunch of teachers decide to let you just turn in papers instead of taking tests, or this is the first year you've decided to show up for your finals. Or maybe you just have always sucked at finals and you're determined to do better this year.

Or maybe you're excellent and taking finals, or you don't have to take any finals, or you've not been in school for three decades, in which case you don't really need to be reading this blog post, do you? But go ahead and read it, because I employ a pretty rockin' narrative voice, yeah? Yeah. 

Okay. Tips. Hurr we go:

1. Remember stuff. You see, the thing that makes you really successful at finals is knowing the answers to the questions. Which you can do pretty easily if you just remember the stuff. "Yeah, but how do I remember the stuff, Kat?" Don't interrupt me. I'm obviously getting to that. The best way to remember things, assuming you don't just have a magic brain that remembers everything after hearing it/seeing it/experiencing it once, you probably have to study. Studies suggest that if you review your notes within a day of taking them, you're retention of the information can be boosted by about 60%. That's pretty rad, yeah? But you already didn't do that, did you? Because you, along with the bulk of students, believe "cramming" is the most effective way of studying. You're so married to the idea that you "do your best work" at 11:54 the night before that you couldn't spend 25 minutes reading over your notes about Napoleon back in October, could you?
2. Start as early as you can. I mean, you already kind've fucked us over by not starting back in September but... I'm lying. You didn't fuck us over. You did exactly what everyone does. Don't feel too badly about it, just, maybe one semester you try the 30 minutes a night thing, yeah? Okay, assuming you haven't been studying all semester long (by studying I mean really studying, not just doing the assignments) you should probably go ahead and start today. Doing all your studying the night before is scientifically proven to turn your brain into mush. 
3. Break it up. You know how sometimes you're like, "I'm going to study all afternoon!" And then you just stare blankly at your page and then end up marathoning Angel instead? No? Just me? No. Not just me. Everyone does that, not necessarily with Angel, but maybe with Bones or American Horror Story or dance clubs or Facebook or Allegiant which has been sitting on your bookshelf untouched since you bought it back in November and you really want to read it despite not hearing that great of things about it. Well, if you break up your studying, you'll be more effective. I found one study schedule that looks like: "eat (10 min), study (30 min), break (20 min), study (30 min), sleep (20 min), study (30 min), repeat." But it really needs to be something that's specific to you. See, sleeping for 20 minutes wouldn't do me any good. I'd just toss around for fifteen minutes, get impatient, and then stand up. It'd be awful. If I did snooze, I'd be drowsy and unfocused when I got back to sleeping. The point is, study in little segments. 
4. Little bursts of cardio. So, I initially got this tip from the queen-of-all-things Joan Watson (Elementary) who would do 50 squats every so often when pulling all nighters (when she was in med school, then when she was going through evidence with Sherlock... this doesn't matter BUT IT DOES.) But everyone pretty much agrees. So, do 25 jumping jacks every time you finish reading 10 pages, do some heel raises after you go through your flash cards once, do five minutes of kickbox after you finish outlining a potential essay question. It's also smart to go for a longer walk or a jog after you've been studying for awhile. Say, after two hours cooped up in your room (taking small breaks, though!) take a twenty minute walk.
5. Change the location of your study place. So, environment actually helps your memory, which is awesome, since you might be able to remember the characteristics of closed-class affixes thanks to sitting in the same seat all year. Except: if you do all your studying in one place, you might be able to successfully define all your vocab words when sitting on your bed, but then have trouble with recall when you move to the classroom. So, by changing location, you actually strengthen your memory. Seven places to try: the library, your room, a coffee shop, the park/outdoors, a tutoring center, a friend's house, an empty classroom. (Along with the last one, maybe see if you can use the classroom you'll be taking your final in. Remember what I said about environment helping location! ;))
6. Some foods actually improve your memory. So: when you're studying, drinking green tea will benefit you more than drinking coffee will. And maybe make your snacks: blueberries, apples, avocados, and dark chocolate. DID YOU HEAR ME? THIS IS THE PERFECT EXCUSE TO EAT CHOCOLATE, YOU LOSER. 
7. Limit distractions. There are actually some pretty cool apps/websites that prevent your computer from going to websites that distract you (only during certain times!). This and this were recommended by this finals survival guide. I won't be offended if you have to put my blog on your list. I understand. Grades are important. 
8. Limit distractions. In the real world, too. That means, don't try to get your studying done in the company of handsome men. And, if you're like me, don't listen to your Dance playlist. It's just really hard not to get distracted and dance to Janelle Monae, you know?
9. Sleep. Seriously, all nighters? Don't do that shit. I only got six hours of sleep last night and I'm barely functional today. You need your sleep. Don't insist on staying up late. When you get to the point that you've read the same sentence three times in a row, or you lose your train of thought easily, it's time to close the books and get some sleep. You want to keep your sleep schedule pretty normal, otherwise you'll be less effective due to fatigue. Moreover: studies suggest that "night owls" get approximately 45 minutes less sleep than individuals who do their best work in the morning and afternoon and they generally have lower GPAS. Which, basically, suggests that "getting more sleep" correlates with "academic success." 

Anyway, good luck, losers. I'm listening to my Dance playlist right now and cannot bare to continue sitting on this couch any longer. 

...Honestly, though, good luck on those finals. Sorry for calling you losers. Twice. I didn't mean it. I love you. Keep reading my blog. Okay. The end. Bye now.