Things That Make Me Stupid Happy

See, I'm not a grouch-mope-moper-grouch all the time, and I'm going to prove it by telling you the things that make me really, really, giddy happy.

• The fact that Rainbow Rowell exists. I love her books. I love her twitter. I love her faq's on her website. I love the fact that she responded, "I knew I recognized you" to my blogpost about the time that I met her and literally could not use real words. Purchasing Eleanor & Park was the greatest decision I made in 2013. 
• Bunnies. Bunnies are so cute, oh my goodness. One time, Renee and I went to a pet store and pretended that we were wanting to buy a bunny so we got to pick up ALL OF THEIR BUNNIES. And bunnies are so soft and fluffy. And they just make you smile, you know? I follow some bunny blogs on tumblr, and some bunny tags on pinterest, and sometimes when I'm feeling a little down it makes me feel 10,000-times better to look at pictures of bunnies. 
• Friendships. Okay, so, you know about "shipping" right? Where a fan will take two characters who may or may not have romantic feelings for one another and then be like "OH MY GOODNESS DRACO AND HARRY NEED TO DATE AND MAKEOUT AND HAVE BABIES EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE BOTH MEN NOW LET'S DO AN AU WHERE HARRY'S ACTUALLY A GIRL AND THEY CAN HAVE BABIES NOW LET'S DO AN AU WHERE THEY ARE BOTH GIRLS AND THEY DO THAT BONE MARROW THING TO HAVE MORE BABIES BAAAAABBBBIIIIEES..." I think I lost where I was going with that... Oh, right, friendships. So, when I watch TV shows and movies and One Direction interviews, rather than getting super excited about fictional romantic relationships, I get shipper-levels-of-excited about friendships. Not that I don't get excited about possible romantic relationships, too. I mean, Mindy and Danny have, basically, the cutest friendship so it's gonna be so adorable and good when they finally couple-it-up on the Mindy Project. Right. Right. On to other things.
• Renee. She's so cute and friendly and the perfect build for hugs and she has good hair and she says, "What am I? Stunned mullet!" if you complain about not having any friends and she gets jokingly huffy if you repeat her when she says, "I'll just grab the trolley" in the supermarket. Also, one time, I called her crying and was like, "Do you think no one will ever like me?" And she went, "I don't know, man, I think people should like you." And that was basically the sweetest thing I've ever heard. Also, the first time I ever met her she listened to me complain for like fifteen minutes about mock trial and then the second time I ever met her she got me to listen to The Blow. Anyway. She's great. 
• Macaroons. When I try to write the word "macaroons" I almost always try to write it "maccarroons" because double all the letters, that's why. Anyway, whenever I turned 21 my friend and I bought macaroonies I was thoroughly underwhelmed. But then, not too long ago, I bought some more maccyroones and THEY WERE DELICIOUS and now I'm basically half addicted. 
• One Direction. They're music is all happy and they're all handsome and they're all such good friends they just make me happy, man. Also, they goof around ALL the time and they're terrible at dancing. So, if you don't like One Direction, then I'm betting that you've only heard those two songs and never watched them interview.
• Thinking about the next stage of my life. Don't get me wrong, it's also super nerve wracking because adulthood sounds a little bleak if you ask me. But I like to think about having my own apartment and making smoothies for breakfast and keeping my books on bookshelves and having a couple of puzzles and decks of cards. Also, I like the idea of meeting new people. And not being in school. And having a job with set hours that don't change from week to week so that when I make plans with people I can be, like, "I get off of work at 5:00" instead of being, like, "Well, on Mondays I finish everything up at 6:00, on Tuesdays I'm busy until 9:00 so that won't work, what about Wednesdays? I get done at 4:00 on Wednesdays!"
• Hanging out with my extended family. Particularly when we get 7+ people in the same place at the same time. 

Residual Effects

To begin, let me own up to a personal problem of mine. Sometimes, when people do things that hurt me, I'm not able to talk to them about it. Not just in a, "Oh, I need space for awhile" kind of way. But, like, they've done something, and I've spent two days crying about it, and I'm trying to work up the courage to tell them, "I feel absolutely miserable when you do whatever shitty thing you did why did you even think that was an okay thing to do?" but, like, in a nicer and less placing-blame-y way. I'll even come up with the exact words that I want to say, and then, right before I say them, I choke up. See, I get afraid that if I talk to people about my pain, there will only be four possible outcomes, and only one of them is good. Like:

• They listen to me, understand, and make amends/don't do it in the future. 
• They don't listen to me and instead continue doing whatever they did that hurt me in the first place, thereby proving that they don't care about me.
• They listen to me, get upset, and then get more upset and more upset and more upset. Then I'm still sad, and now they're sad, and now I'm feeling guilty for being hurt in the first place, so the overall sadness has just increased by "a shit-ton" and the utilitarian perspective would accuse me of being a bad person. (The utilitarian perspective is that the "right" action is the action that ensures the greatest amount of happiness for the greatest number of people.)
• They listen to me, understand, make temporary amends, but then actually just keep doing whatever it was that they did that hurt me in the first place, thereby proving that they don't care about me.

"That's crazy!" Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want your opinion. I just want to talk about what's on my mind, okay? Okay.

I'm not quite sure how long it's been an issue, but I think it's been approximately around "a long ass time." I've talked to a councilor about it, and tried to move past it and talk about things that hurt me to people who love me, but... Unfortunately, more often than not, my fears about talking to people about my problems are proven true. One of my "really good friends" (pffft) Freshman year, was constantly doing things that hurt me, and then I would talk to him about it, he would say, "Oh my goodness, I see just what you mean. I'm so sorry! I'll stop in the future!" And then continue doing what I asked him to stop doing. Another one of my "really good friends" (pffft), not too long ago, tried to control my life, and when I would talk to her about things that she was, probably unknowingly, doing that hurt me, she would accuse me of being a bad friend, or get so upset she had to leave the room. I ended up feeling so guilty about being hurt, that honestly I can't trust her, now, to tell her anything about my life.

That's really not what this is about, though. What this is about is a couple of memories that I still feel the residual effects of.

See, since I'm not really able to talk to people about my hurt, it just kind of stays there. And then, after I mostly move past it, it still comes back from time to time. There are a couple of memories I have from when I was younger--like, middle school/high school age--that made me feel really unloved and worthless, ugly and stupid, and entirely unlovable.

I don't really want to get into them right now--"Then why are you even writing this stupid blog post?"--because I'm already crying. No, that's not why I don't want to get into them. Honestly, the reason that I don't want to get into them is because I tried.

Throughout November, and maybe even late October, almost every Friday I was sucked back into this one terrible memory. And, it's not just the one memory. It's that this particular memory brings forth lots of other similar memories. So, about every Friday, I would get home from school, crawl into bed, and just cry until Saturday. I tried a couple of times to write about them, thinking that it might make me feel better.

But as soon as I published those blogs, I deleted them. See, I'm worried that the person who caused my hurt in those memories would read them, and then feel bad. Or maybe mad that I'm still not over something that happened in middle school. And, I mean, it's not like I let said person know that they hurt me whenever those movies occurred. But, since I love this person, I don't want them to feel any bad feelings.

I really need to step up my writing in the next blog post. It's hard to write "well" and "vaguely" at the same time.

So, anyway, I have these couple of memories that, when they come up, I just go right back to that time, and I start feeling that way again. And sometimes there are triggers to those memories--like, similar sorts of disappointment, or people ignoring me, or whatever. But, equally often, there are obscure triggers. Like Jaws. The movie, not body part. Or awards ceremonies.

The other day, for instance, I was talking to my brother during the news, and my dad asked us to be quiet. Which is something that makes complete sense. What sent me into my latest residual effect spiral of sadness wasn't, like, the unjustness of the situation. It's really, really, fair to want quiet from the peanut gallery when you're trying to watch something. But the situation almost identically mirrored my worst birthday ever.

And then it started bringing up all these other "people silencing and/or ignoring me" memories.

"You need to get over things that happened forever ago."
WHAT DID I SAY? I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR OPINION. I'M JUST TALKING HERE.

In all seriousness, don't give me your opinion because I 110% don't want to hear it. Also, I feel kind of bad about how gloomy this blog post was. So. I'll post, like, a short story next time.

Okay? Okay.

Happy Holidays!

Earlier today, as I was waiting in a Walmart checkout line to purchase two small bags of green buttons and a container of small, silver, spherical ornaments, I overheard the checkout clerk say to the man in front of me, "Thank you, have a nice day, and merry Christmas!" He said, "Thank you," took his purchases, and moved along. My transaction was quick--I had my cash in hand when she started ringing up the items--and when she handed me my change she said the same thing: "Thank you, have a nice day, and merry Christmas."

I said, with a smile, "Same to you!"

But the lady behind me in line said, "I really appreciate that you say Merry Christmas. It seems like everyone these days is saying, happy holidays." And that really... bothered me. Not in the same way Femen riots or sexist jokes bother me, but it bothered me none the less. It bothered me because it's the same sort of Fox News sentiment that prompted controversy over Macy's Santa helping kids with their "holiday" wish lists.

But then, the clerk says, "Yeah, yesterday a customer got very rude with me for saying Merry Christmas and said I should've said happy holidays instead. But, like, that's her preference and this is mine."

And the idea that some customer got rude with a pleasant sales clerk just because she said Merry Christmas also bothers me.

SO: let's talk about some courtesy, okay guys?

98% of the time (that's an entirely made up percentage, okay?) people who wish you happy holidays or merry Christmas or any other holiday-based-warmed-wishes are just being nice. They're basically just wishing you... happiness.

Let's think about it in terms of wishing someone a nice day verses a happy birthday. So, let's say I think it's your birthday, and I tell you, "Happy Birthday!" But it isn't your birthday. Does that make my wish mean? No. I wished you happiness. You would probably just say, "Thanks, but it isn't my birthday. My birthday isn't for another two months." And I'd say, "Oh, my mistake. But have a nice day, anyway!"

Now, if you're a close friend on the other hand, and I wished you a happy birthday when it wasn't your birthday, you might get a little offended. You might say, "It's not my birthday! Do you not know when my birthday was!? YOU WERE AT MY PARTY BACK IN SEPTEMBER."

Now, let's take what we learned from the birthday metaphor and apply it to the holiday season. If someone wishes you, "Merry Christmas!" And you don't celebrate Christmas, don't get upset with them. They're just wishing you happiness, after all. Feel completely free to tell them, politely, "Thank you, but I don't celebrate Christmas." If you celebrate something else, let them know what winter holiday you celebrate! If you don't celebrate something else, leave it at that. They'll probably just say, "Oh! I'm sorry. But have a nice holiday season anyway!" Or, "Oh, my mistake! Have a nice weekend!" If they get rude about it, that's on them, not on you.

Now, if the person who just wished you "Merry Christmas" knows that you don't celebrate Christmas, then that might offend you. I mean, sure, maybe they mean it with good intentions still, but: if it offends you, let them know so they can stop doing it. Feel free to tell them, once again politely, "Thank you, but I don't celebrate Christmas. And I would appreciate it if you didn't wish me a merry Christmas in the future." Then they would probably say, "Oh, okay." Or something to that effect. How should I know? I don't know your friends.

Now, back to the birthday analogy.

Let's say it is your birthday and I don't know that. Then, when you're headed out, I say, "Have a nice day!" You wouldn't whip around and yell at me, "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, YOU JERK" would you?

Similarly, if someone wishes you "Happy Holidays!" You shouldn't whip around and accuse them of PC-ing America to hell. In fact, they're being way nicer than just wishing you a merry Christmas. If someone wishes you a merry Christmas, they're just wishing you happiness on December 25th. Which, don't get me wrong, is super sweet of them, but, if someone wishes you "happy holidays" they want you to be happy on literally every winter holiday. They want you to be happy on Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Years, Winter Solstice, Boxing Day, Yule, and even on the International Sweater Vestival.

Moreover, "Happy Holidays" is way more inclusive than "Merry Christmas" is. It's like, if I go around wishing everyone a "Happy Birthday," sure, I'll probably wish some people a happy birthday whose birthday it actually is, but more likely than not, I'll wish a bunch of people whose birthday it isn't a happy birthday. Comparatively, if I go around wishing everyone a nice day, well, it's "day" for most everybody. I mean, everybody I would see, anyway.

But, anyway, it's nice when people wish you happiness. Don't gripe about the way they go about doing it. Feel free to let them know if they've offended you--assuming you do it politely--but don't get angry with people for not wishing you happiness in the exact way you want to be wished happiness.

And have a happy winter, you all.

Tidbits

• My mom is exceptionally environmentally friendly and resource-savvy. She uses every drop of toothpaste; I throw away products after they get too close to empty and thereby a little difficult to use. She looked almost horrified when, over Thanksgiving, my cousin explained that she threw away a Fresca can because she didn't think we recycled. My mother, a teacher, taught an Environmental Issues summer school class for third graders. Our yard is equipped with a rain catcher and a compost pile. You get the idea, right? My mother's pretty green. So, the other day I was emptying the dishwasher and I found a bunch of plastic utensils. You know, the sort that are supposedly disposable?

• Renee (AKA the love of my life) is an extremely talented individual. Any of you have followed along with my moping the past seven months may already be hip to this fact, but: after graduating, Renee moved back to Australia with her family. I miss her a lot. Anyway, over the summer, Renee sent me pretty much the best birthday present ever. It's a wall ornament that has three, handmade fish. On Halloween, Nash was stabbing things with his hipster!Link sword, and he stabbed it, knocking it down a little bit, so now they hang a little lower than they used to. Anyway, they're pretty cute, right? (That's obviously just one of them. But. Still.)

• Last year, I lived in a town house with three of my friends. Near the end of our lease, I so desperately needed time and space to myself that I ended up moving back in with my parents about three months before our lease was actually up. One day, after I started moving back in with my parents, I was at the town house, hanging out and picking up some stuff. One of my roommates, T-Kupp (an adorable, cheerful woman who I barely saw last year since she had SO MUCH going on. Now she's graduated and I haven't seen her in ages. *sigh*) found me and gave me this awesome candle that's shaped like a cupcake with sparkling frosting on top. It was so beautiful I just paired it with a ceramic cupcake my other roommate, Kelly (who is basically the sweetest-kindest-MamaBear I've ever known), gave me for Christmas. Anyway, I didn't even light the T-Kupp cupcake candle until about a week ago because it was just so beautiful. BUT LOOK HOW COOL IT LOOKED ALL LIT AND SUCH: 

• If you watched my Vlogmas video from yesterday, you've already heard this story--and if you haven't, you can watch it here, I'll give you a minute, go do that. Okay, so, when I was a kid, I asked my parents pretty point-blank whether or not Santa was real when I was pretty young. Now, I am not sure whether or not this story takes place before or after that, but, regardless, I'm pretty sure I didn't believe the real Santa and Mrs. C showed up at malls and restaurants. So, anyway, my whole family (this is another one of those fabulous McKie Family memories... just, one I didn't include in that one blog post...) was at this festive brunch thing. For whatever reason (cough-Chirstmas-cough) Mrs. Claus was there (although, again, I'm pretty sure I didn't think she was the real Mrs. C). Recently, my pet mouse had died. It was a very sad occasion. I don't know what prompted me to tell the not-real-Mrs.-Claus that my mouse had died, but I did. She looked at me sadly and said, "Oh, I'm so sorry!" And then she reached into her apron pocket and pulled out a small, play mouse and whispered, "That's why Santa sent me with this." (Okay, I don't know if that's actually what she said.) So, anyway, she gave me a little toy mouse and it was pretty much the most legit Christmas moment I've ever experienced. 

• My mom loves nativity sets. She has a huge collection of them. There's one that we've had as long as I can remember. It came from her grandmother and it's my absolute favorite. That was a tidbit, just not a tidbit about the intended tidbit, I guess. Right, so: we own one nativity set that's kind of a nontraditional nativity set. It's stable-less. There are no wise men. No shepherds. It's comprised of two pieces only: Joseph, and a donkey carrying Mary and baby-Jesus. It stays on our bookshelf year round, I guess, because it was already out the other day when my mother brought the big box of nativity sets up from the basement. She and my father were re-arranging the living room, increasing the nativity-set-ready surface-area when my father scooted the bookshelf and baby Jesus, Mary, and the donkey took a tumble. They landed on the hardwood floor with a shatter. My father, in a voice of sorrow, said, "I shouldn't have been moving this by myself..." and my mother, assuming it had shattered into hundreds of pieces, refrained from looking at it. So, I quickly crossed the living room, gathered up the pieces, and said, "I can fix this!" (I'm so like Gus in that one Shia LaBeouf movie.) With that, I brought it back to my room, and went to sleep. I'm just kidding, probably more stuff happened between confiscating the broken figurine and sleeping, but I guarantee it's not important. The next day, I got out the hot glue gun, and put the figurine back together. It wasn't too hard, all that broke off were the donkey's two hind legs, and the broke off in two, solid pieces. Then, I returned donkey, Mother, and Child to the lone Joseph figurine. Anyway, as I was fixing the donkey, I realized it had already been broken twice: its two front legs had also, sometime, been reattached.

So. Anyway. That's some stuff.

Finals are coming up. Don't worry. I'll help you.

So. If you're someone currently going to school in the United States and probably a lot of other places, too, and you're older than, like, fourteen, you probably have finals coming up, as your semester comes to a close. Maybe you're new to the whole final thing--like, it's your first year of high school, or your first year of college, or you've had a bunch of teachers decide to let you just turn in papers instead of taking tests, or this is the first year you've decided to show up for your finals. Or maybe you just have always sucked at finals and you're determined to do better this year.

Or maybe you're excellent and taking finals, or you don't have to take any finals, or you've not been in school for three decades, in which case you don't really need to be reading this blog post, do you? But go ahead and read it, because I employ a pretty rockin' narrative voice, yeah? Yeah. 

Okay. Tips. Hurr we go:

1. Remember stuff. You see, the thing that makes you really successful at finals is knowing the answers to the questions. Which you can do pretty easily if you just remember the stuff. "Yeah, but how do I remember the stuff, Kat?" Don't interrupt me. I'm obviously getting to that. The best way to remember things, assuming you don't just have a magic brain that remembers everything after hearing it/seeing it/experiencing it once, you probably have to study. Studies suggest that if you review your notes within a day of taking them, you're retention of the information can be boosted by about 60%. That's pretty rad, yeah? But you already didn't do that, did you? Because you, along with the bulk of students, believe "cramming" is the most effective way of studying. You're so married to the idea that you "do your best work" at 11:54 the night before that you couldn't spend 25 minutes reading over your notes about Napoleon back in October, could you?
2. Start as early as you can. I mean, you already kind've fucked us over by not starting back in September but... I'm lying. You didn't fuck us over. You did exactly what everyone does. Don't feel too badly about it, just, maybe one semester you try the 30 minutes a night thing, yeah? Okay, assuming you haven't been studying all semester long (by studying I mean really studying, not just doing the assignments) you should probably go ahead and start today. Doing all your studying the night before is scientifically proven to turn your brain into mush. 
3. Break it up. You know how sometimes you're like, "I'm going to study all afternoon!" And then you just stare blankly at your page and then end up marathoning Angel instead? No? Just me? No. Not just me. Everyone does that, not necessarily with Angel, but maybe with Bones or American Horror Story or dance clubs or Facebook or Allegiant which has been sitting on your bookshelf untouched since you bought it back in November and you really want to read it despite not hearing that great of things about it. Well, if you break up your studying, you'll be more effective. I found one study schedule that looks like: "eat (10 min), study (30 min), break (20 min), study (30 min), sleep (20 min), study (30 min), repeat." But it really needs to be something that's specific to you. See, sleeping for 20 minutes wouldn't do me any good. I'd just toss around for fifteen minutes, get impatient, and then stand up. It'd be awful. If I did snooze, I'd be drowsy and unfocused when I got back to sleeping. The point is, study in little segments. 
4. Little bursts of cardio. So, I initially got this tip from the queen-of-all-things Joan Watson (Elementary) who would do 50 squats every so often when pulling all nighters (when she was in med school, then when she was going through evidence with Sherlock... this doesn't matter BUT IT DOES.) But everyone pretty much agrees. So, do 25 jumping jacks every time you finish reading 10 pages, do some heel raises after you go through your flash cards once, do five minutes of kickbox after you finish outlining a potential essay question. It's also smart to go for a longer walk or a jog after you've been studying for awhile. Say, after two hours cooped up in your room (taking small breaks, though!) take a twenty minute walk.
5. Change the location of your study place. So, environment actually helps your memory, which is awesome, since you might be able to remember the characteristics of closed-class affixes thanks to sitting in the same seat all year. Except: if you do all your studying in one place, you might be able to successfully define all your vocab words when sitting on your bed, but then have trouble with recall when you move to the classroom. So, by changing location, you actually strengthen your memory. Seven places to try: the library, your room, a coffee shop, the park/outdoors, a tutoring center, a friend's house, an empty classroom. (Along with the last one, maybe see if you can use the classroom you'll be taking your final in. Remember what I said about environment helping location! ;))
6. Some foods actually improve your memory. So: when you're studying, drinking green tea will benefit you more than drinking coffee will. And maybe make your snacks: blueberries, apples, avocados, and dark chocolate. DID YOU HEAR ME? THIS IS THE PERFECT EXCUSE TO EAT CHOCOLATE, YOU LOSER. 
7. Limit distractions. There are actually some pretty cool apps/websites that prevent your computer from going to websites that distract you (only during certain times!). This and this were recommended by this finals survival guide. I won't be offended if you have to put my blog on your list. I understand. Grades are important. 
8. Limit distractions. In the real world, too. That means, don't try to get your studying done in the company of handsome men. And, if you're like me, don't listen to your Dance playlist. It's just really hard not to get distracted and dance to Janelle Monae, you know?
9. Sleep. Seriously, all nighters? Don't do that shit. I only got six hours of sleep last night and I'm barely functional today. You need your sleep. Don't insist on staying up late. When you get to the point that you've read the same sentence three times in a row, or you lose your train of thought easily, it's time to close the books and get some sleep. You want to keep your sleep schedule pretty normal, otherwise you'll be less effective due to fatigue. Moreover: studies suggest that "night owls" get approximately 45 minutes less sleep than individuals who do their best work in the morning and afternoon and they generally have lower GPAS. Which, basically, suggests that "getting more sleep" correlates with "academic success." 

Anyway, good luck, losers. I'm listening to my Dance playlist right now and cannot bare to continue sitting on this couch any longer. 

...Honestly, though, good luck on those finals. Sorry for calling you losers. Twice. I didn't mean it. I love you. Keep reading my blog. Okay. The end. Bye now.