I read somewhere once that God didn't really give the people in the Old Testament that many rules. It was mostly just the big ten. You know... don't go around worshiping other gods or making idols or killing people or stealing or adulter...ing. And then the rest of the loads of rules in the Old Testament were mostly just people afraid of doing the bad ten things and trying to keep really far away from them. Like, you have to testify about any wrongdoing you've seen or heard about because not doing so is a little bit too close to bearing false witness which was a big no-no. Or you shouldn't tear your clothes because then you're a little bit too close to... causing coveting, maybe.
That and preventing death. Like, you shouldn't eat or touch the carcass of a weasel or a rat because that will probably kill you.
Also, there were a lot of kind of obvious things that people were probably just like, "well, you shouldn't do this so we'll make a rule about it just in case someone doesn't just realize that they shouldn't have sex with their relatives.
But back to what I was originally saying. I read somewhere that a lot of the rules written in the Old Testament were rules that people made up. Because, well, it's just, frankly, easier for people to have a checklist of things not to do.
It's kind of like... have you ever been on a diet? Maybe on your diet you realize, like, "You aren't supposed to eat more than 50g of sugar in a day." And you can totally go around eating sugar in moderation, but you then you give yourself the rule, like, "only one sweet per week" or maybe even "no sweets ever." Anyway, that's kind of how I think of a lot of the rules in the Old Testament. People thought that, even though they could have a serving of sorbet or a chocolate chip cookie without it really hurting them, they thought that they better not let themselves. Because it's really easy for half a cup of sorbet to turn into a banana split and rootbeer and a bunch of fries.
"What does this have to do with you not really liking yourself?" You may ask. Which is a good question because I opened up with how I don't really like who I am but then I kind of went this whole different direction and now you're maybe a little worried that I don't like myself because I've been eating weasels and coveting my neighbor's wife.
That's not the case, though.
The reason I'm not too keen on myself these days is that there's a divide between who I am and who I would like to be. And I'm not talking about the difference between who I am now and who my crazy fantasy self (cough-Mindy Kaling-cough) is. I'm talking about the difference between who I am now and who I would like my everyday self to be.
The sort of person I want to be is kind. She's hardworking, compassionate, forgiving, and understanding. She is remorseful for her mistakes, but eventually forgives herself and then takes steps not to repeat the same mistakes. The kind of person I want to be is peaceful and nonjudgemental, but she also sticks up for others.
In contrast, the person I am is scared of being judged by her friends if she objects to their trash-talking. She is quick to anger and judgement. She holds grudges. She gossips and loosely throws around insults. The sort of person I am feels remorseful and nauseated by all of these things, but she never really forgives herself and she hardly ever changes.
...I've talked to you guys about Renee (aka the love of my life) before, right?
Sometimes, though, the fact that Renee always saw my good bits made me hyper-aware of all my bad bits. It's like... the person that I want to be in the world is the person that Renee saw. You know? The kind version of myself. Because I think I'd like to see myself the way she sees me.
We're going to have to take a different direction, talking about this, now... because I'm getting a little choked up and cry-y what with my missing of Renee.
So I'm thinking maybe we should go back to the biblical stuff, right?
You see, I have this kind of general idea of the person I want to be. I want to be the version of me that Renee sees, but it's more than that. I just want to be better than I am. I want to be kinder, I want to be more forgiving, I want to be more patient. And I need a guide for how to get there. I need to make like Alicia Silverstone at the end of Clueless. I need a drastic renovation. I need to... I almost referenced Patrick Dempsey in Can't Buy Me Love but it occurs to me that that's not quite the type of change I'm hoping for. Kind of the opposite, in fact.
I don't know what that guide will be just yet. I'm okay with small steps, not necessarily rapid, dramatic transformations. And maybe I need some made up rules to keep me far away from the person that I don't want to be. Maybe my rule can't just be, "Don't participate in or initiate any gossip." Maybe it has to be, "When people are gossiping, state your case and leave." Maybe it means omitting certain music, tv shows, and activities; maybe it means seeking out new ones.
I'm not quite sure. But there's a person that I want to be, and I want to start moving towards becoming her.
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