With Love From 2:00 in the Morning

My mind, in an almost unforgivable act of betrayal, decides that I should still be awake at 2:00 in the morning. It does this from time to time, I think, for the sole purpose of reminding me that, if and when it chooses to, it can still be a b--I mean--witch.

Insomnia used to be a daily (or, rather, a nightly) reality for me. Throughout high school and college I was all too familiar with the exhausted body and active mind. Slowly, though, it started to fade. I spent more nights sleeping, and fewer nights tossing and turning bitterly. Occasionally, though, I like to revisit the good old days.

Things always start out the same. Somewhere between 10:30 and 12:00 I crawl into bed, read my devotional, journal a bit, then snuggle in with the intention to read some of whatever book I've been intending to read but then feeling too sleepy and letting my eyelids just drift close instead. Usually, that's it. I'm out. I'm dreaming about combination church services and rodeo shows or forgetting that I'm a vegetarian and ordering a steak or breaking out when I'm supposed to go on a date and then it's morning.

But on nights like tonight my mind drifts aimlessly for awhile and then zeroes in on a problem. Sometimes that problem is some kind of physical condition--a pain in my wrist, a tightness in my chest, an ache in my head--and then I dwell on if it's real or imaginary, if it's the result of temporary factor or a permanent condition, if it's a foreboding apparition or just the byproduct of being human. Sometimes it's a state of being--footsteps upstairs, music next door, too hot or too cold--and I start to wonder if it's something that I can just ignore, something that might stop soon, or something that I'll have to try to rectify. Sometimes it's a reminder--something I'd been intending to do, money that is owed somewhere, unfinished work, unsent messages--and it brings me to stare at the ceiling and chide myself, "this is absurd, you can't do anything about it right now, just worry about it in the morning," while also feeling the inability to do anything but worry about it constantly. Eventually the problem always becomes: I'm still awake and I should be sleeping.

In all my years suffering from insomnia, I have pretty much everything to help me sleep. I've listened to calming music, and I've listened to complete silence. I've gotten up and then gone through my entire evening routine a second time. I've read. I've counted backwards and thought of colors, I've made lists. I've tried to figure out whatever boring prayer the apostles were apparently praying when they were supposed to be staying awake for Jesus but just kept falling asleep in the garden instead.

These are the most effective techniques I've found:

• Ignoring the insomnia and pretending that I'm still in the "almost asleep" phase. It's nice when this one works because it gets me to sleep the fastest. BUT it doesn't always work. If I'm having trouble sleeping and I act like I'm not, I'll either fall asleep within the next hour or so, or I'll wind up glowering at my ceiling and muttering, "This is stupid and unfair just go to sleeeeep!!" under my breath. 
• So when that doesn't work, I'll try doing as much of the stuff that I'd have to do in the morning at night so that I could sleep later. It helps because when my brain starts to complain about how I'm still awake (as though it isn't to blame), I can kind of calm it with: yes but you get to sleep innnnnnn! Plus it kind of extra-wears me out. But the down side is, sometimes I'll get done with those things and I WON'T FEEL TIRED AT ALL I'LL JUST FEEL READY FOR THE DAAAAAY!!!
• So, the most effective thing I've found is (drumroll, please)... canceling stuff. This might be, in part, the result of the almost sick pleasure I get out of canceling things, but it's an almost automatic relief. So, in the middle of the night, I send emails or texts asking to reschedule meetings or canceling appointments or asking for rain checks for coffee/lunch/whatever plans. And then, almost always, I can just burrow back under my and fall asleep. Pretty much immediately.

Tonight, of course, none of those things helped. (I can't really cancel any of my tomorrow things, so I didn't try that one.) But sometimes that happens, too. So I just try to make the most out of my extra time in the middle of the night. I actually read a bit of the book that I'd been intending to read. I make goals and challenges for myself--schedules, lists, and organizers. I write my brain quiet again. And then, at super early AM, I reset my alarm to score myself a few more minutes or hours of sleep. And then, I try it all over again.