This Past Year

I've wanted to write this blog post for awhile now but I haven't because, well, it's super easy to procrastinate at things. But I think about it a lot, particularly when I'm driving home after small group on Sunday nights. See, I spend almost every Sunday evening with four people who are very, very important to me and my life, but are also people that a year ago I only passively knew. (That's crazy, right guys? You're like, "Nah, Katrina, we've been hanging out for forever!" But that's not the case. Nope, nope.) So every Sunday, when I'm driving home, there's this kind of warmth in my heart that manifests itself whenever you can really feel like you're part of something meaningful, and I get stunned by the fact that these people who mean so much to me now are people that I only kind of knew this time last year.

That was really sappy, and I'm sorry. I don't really like talking about my feelings and it kind of makes me uncomfortable that I have them in general but, alas, I do. You should know, because we're on this "feelings" tangent anyway, I don't really low-key like friends. Pretty much all of my friends I'm just walking around like, "THIS IS THE COOLEST PERSON EVER AND THE BEST PERSON I KNOW" and, yes, I'm talking about you. Probably. No, not you, that other one, over there, yes YOU!

Okay, cool, now that that's over with, let me assign some meaning to this mumbo-jumbo mush-gush ever-(friend)-loving ramble I've been on: a lot changes in just three-hundred-and-sixty-five-days.

That seems obvious, right? But I'll be honest: I have a hard time remembering that.

24 is supposed to be rough, right? That's why the show had so many explosions and frantic bald dudes. (I've never seen 24. It's about the age, right? No? Huh.) Well, I think 24 is supposed to be rough. Or at least I tell myself that when I get slightly crazed and exhausted. So, sometimes, when I'm going about my day, living life as a twenty-four year old, I get it in my head that things won't ever change. No, not like in the happy way eight year olds think summer, sprinklers, ice cream trucks, and being eight will last forever. In a more frightening way. In a "student debt, constant exhaustion, loneliness, and living off $2.00 boxes of pasta will last forever" kind of way.

There's a lot of stuff about my life right now that's not how I ever would have pictured it. Like, not even the part of me that was practical and knew that life is hard and work is reality and the economy crashed so now business only want to hire part time workers pictured my life like this. I mean: I work two part time jobs. And, despite the fact that I love both of them, I think whoever is trying to collect on my student loans would agree the situation isn't ideal. I still don't have a boyfriend, a pet rabbit, or enough money to visit Renee in Australia. I still haven't figured out how to figure out how to make any of my personal projects profitable. So when I'm running from one job to the other, eating $2.00 pasta mixed with whatever vegetable is featured in all my meals that week, and using my thrift-store shirt to try and rub a mysterious stain off of my thrift-store dress I think, "This is okay for now, but..." and then I imagine myself doing all the same things with the all same scenario as a thirty-six year old and I get a little bit panicked.

But then, every now and again, I can quiet the voice in my head that says "whatever is hard about right now will always be hard forever and things will never ever ever change" and at those times I can remind myself that things have already changed so much.

I feel like I need to take a breath for a second to assure you: life is actually super good right now. I don't want it to seem like I'm complaining or anything. I'm not trying to do that, so if it sounds like I am: I'm really sorry. I have two jobs. I have a solid support system formed by family, friends, and my church community. I'm armed with an education and a dry wit that won't quit. (Kind of maybe sometimes.) So, yes, sometimes things can be hard and discouraging, but that's life, and the things that are hard right now I can deal with because, right now, I'm young and still relatively full of energy. So I'm not complaining, okay? I just am taking a moment to reflect and remind myself (and you, reader, you, too) that life is always moving forward. Sometimes it can feel kind of stagnant. But it's not!

Okay, so, I'm going to rewind a bit and revisit this time last year.

Exactly one year and twenty-six days ago, I was unemployed. After graduating, I had a terrible, terrible time finding a job. Two things were working against me. First, I got kind of a late start on applications because right before graduation I was informed that I hadn't completed one of my course requirements, that I had genuinely, genuinely believed I had completed. (It's a long story filled with boring technicalities. I'll save it for another day. Just kidding I'm never going to tell you that story because it's exhausting.) So, I was in something like a dispute with my college as to whether or not my degree was complete for several weeks. Eventually, it got sorted out, I graduated, and there was something clear to tell future employers. The other thing working against me was: despite the fact that I knew the job market wasn't stellar, I was convinced that I could find this one particular type of job. (Salary, benefits, full time, office probably.) As time passed, I started looking outside of those criteria, but by then I had a chunk of time that I'd been "unemployed" which made me "unimpressive" to potential employers.

Exactly one year and twenty-five days ago, I started working, part-time/hourly, at an insurance office. A friend helped me get the job. I was relieved to be working even though it was just part-time and it was just hourly and it involved staring at applications on a computer screen for four straight hours.

Shortly after getting hired at the insurance office, I pulled out of my unemployment-induced depression which did several things. First, it mostly cleared up my skin. (Thank goodness and knock on wood.) Second, it made me a more pleasant person to be around. (Seriously, I'm just thinking back to what a brat I was one year ago and I'm actually shuddering. My poor friends and family!) And finally: it got me back to church.

Being back at church has made a huge impact on my life. Here are just a few ways that my life has changed since being back at church: I now have the aforementioned small group. They're some of the best friends I have. The first time I went to Amy and Ian's house, I chucked their teapot off their deck and broke it in half, and then they still let me come back a couple of times (in fact, they gave me free reign one weekend when they were out of town, just because I said I'd feed their dog). Jake is forever having to put up with me hanging out in their living room while Jen is forever having to put up with me talking to her for hours. (Seriously, I'm a little surprised they haven't hired a bouncer or something?) Not to mention, despite the fact that I'm not related to any of them, they all still hang out with me after that one time we played Nertz. (I honestly don't think my family would keep putting up with me post-Nertz if we weren't blood.) Since being back at church I also have weird responsibilities now. Care Team, Leadership Team, and once a month I write Miracle Word. Responsibilities-galore. Most importantly, I have a sense of belonging.

Eleven months ago, I started working my second part-time/hourly job. I became a page at a public library. After about two, maybe three, weeks I was sold: this was the best place I'd ever worked. I was surrounded by books. Books that I could take home at the end of the night without losing a chunk of my paycheck! I liked everyone I worked with. I liked the environment, I liked the bookshelves, I liked that sometimes the break room would be full of baked goods.

In May, my life really felt like it was progressing towards real-life, full-blown adulthood. I moved out of my parents' house and into an apartment with a friend from college. Along with that, I started owning weird things that a person can own. Like mixing bowls. Now I have mixing bowls! My own mixing bowls! Not my mom's, but mine! (Okay, yeah, so they were originally my mom's but now they're mine and that's my point.)

So, between October and May, things were steadily getting better, right? Jobs, Jobs, Clear Skin, Church, Apartment... Well, in June things slid back a notch. My car caught on fire. I don't know if there's a kind of "car fire" that your car can make it through, but if there is... well, this wasn't it. After one distressing evening of "OH NO EVERYTHING IS BROKEN AND I CANNOT FUNCTION ANY MORE" I bounced back. "This is just my new situation." Became my mantra. I figured out the bus system, after a few missed stops, and started kind of navigating my way around the city. (Side note: I did get threatened, but only once. I think. After that I started wearing headphones.)

In July, things got a little bit worse when my position got "dissolved" from the insurance office. (Side note: the "little bit worse" refers to my financial situation. The job had been progressively getting more stressful and I had been continuously feeling less appreciated. So, honestly, getting dissolved was probably the best thing for my soul, just not the best thing for my bank account.)

By August, though, I'd found new employment. I worked for about a minute at World Market before getting hired at a spice shop. At the spice shop, I have always felt encouraged, supported, and appreciated. The supervisors take genuine interest in the ideas of associates and my coworkers all double as friends.

I also got promoted at the library.

In September, my grandparents graciously gave me one of their cars. It's beautiful and adorable and every time I drive it I think about my grandparents, I feel loved and supported, and I feel humbled. They were so kind and generous, and I know that there wasn't anything I did, or could ever really do, to make me deserving of that.

And, now, we're back in October. In the past year, I have had four separate employers and five different positions. I have had two cars, and the opportunity to figure out the bus lines. I re-watched all of Gilmore Girls (once, though if you ask my brother, he'd say it was three or four times.) I went from "oh, d'you remember that that one girl..." at church to a member of the "will agree to help out" team. (Is that a team? No? Huh. I thought it was.) Former acquaintances have become official friends (as have coworkers, total strangers, and some of the baristas at my favorite coffee shop).

Okay, okay, okay, see, this is getting kind of long-winded. Which I guess isn't really necessary, right? The point is: life goes on. In the past couple of years, I have had some really stressful, trying, hurtful, and tumultuous times. But, when I just take a step back, it's easy to see that life is ever evolving. Have you ever heard that question: "What were you worried about one year ago today?" See, what I'm trying to say is this: things feel so big when you're going through them, they can feel like they'll last forever. But, they won't, see? Eventually, the seasons change. The storm ends. You get to the other side just by taking steps forward.

It'll be okay, I guess. That's what I'm trying to say.