So, as someone who believes we should always strive to be better people, I try to live out that belief. By which I mean, even though I'm pretty spectacular already (and humble, too), I have a laundry list of areas that I want to improve. Like, I want to be more patient. I want to be more compassionate and understanding across the board. I want to be friendlier, particularly in situations where I'm a little uncomfortable. You get the drift. Mostly I just want to be a nicer person.
The problem with striving to be a nicer person is two fold. First, I, at least in part, believe that I am becoming a better person. And second, I become hyperaware when a situation proves that's not the case.
Oh, fine, I'll just tell you what happened instead of just dancing around the point.
AS PER USUAL, I was talking to God about boys. I talk to God about boys so often that he's probably starting to regret ever creating them in the first place. Just kidding. Kind of.
Anyway, I like to talk to God about boys more than I like to talk to anybody else about boys because unlike all of the people in the world, God is not disillusioned about anything. In this instance, he's not disillusioned about me. So, unlike you, dear reader, God did not believe me when I called myself "pretty spectacular" earlier. He was just like, "I mean, yeah you're cute and funny, but you think it's fun to lie and you own too many cardigans and you're super quick to anger. Didn't I tell you not to be quick to anger? You never listen. Sheesh."
My point is, whenever I talk to my friends or family about my perpetual singledom, they're like, "You'll find someone EVENTUALLY" and the thing is they do 100% believe that. Because they like me. And that's why I don't like talking to them about boys.
Also, side note shout out to my friend Laurie who is the only person who has ever said to me, "Isn't it kind of a bummer to know that you'll eventually probably get married?" I liked this particular conversation because none of us know how a person's life will turn out, but right now there's a possibility where I don't ever eventually get married and then just Laurie and I are happy. Lau because she's apparently bummed out when people get hitched, me because I was right and everyone else was wrong (haha, suckers!), but then nobody else because they were hoping this shit would turn out all right for me (haha again suckers!).
So, anyway, the way I see it is this: there are some people who totally want to find someone, but then they never do, and that's a major bummer. And a lot of those people are really likable people--funny and pretty and intelligent and cool. So, just the fact that people like me isn't enough to guarantee that major bummer won't be my reality.
See what I'm saying? No, you probably don't, because you're probably somebody who already knows and loves me and is tsking at the computer screen all amped up to tell me about their third cousin who never thought they'd fall in love but then did when they were like 37 or 62 or whatever and now they're the HAPPIEST PERSON OF ALL TIME. But shut up because that story is 110% of the reason I prefer talking about boys with God. God never tells me annoying stories about third cousins.
Anyway, for the past year or so, whenever I talk about boys with God it's been like this: "I don't know what's going to happen, but I know you know what's going to happen, so just prepare my heart for whatever that is, and, ultimately, just make me want whatever it is you have in store for me anyway." I also have basically the same conversation with God when it comes to things like work or school or whatever else has me panicked about my future. Which makes me feel like I never had to admit to talking to God about boys in the first place, I could have just set this whole thing up to seem like I was talking to God about something more sensible, like, careers or whatever.
But, alas, I've already typed so much of this. And we're all about honesty here, right? Right.
The point is: God's ultimately going to get his way, right? So I just want to be happy and excited for whatever that is. So, what I want is to want whatever it is that God wants. OR SO I SAY.
I had the terrible realization recently that... I think I've been lying to God. And myself. But I'm pretty cool with being lied to by myself. But I am absolutely not cool with having lied to God.
I believe what I said before. Ultimately God is going to get his way, and I want to be happy and excited for it. So what's the lie? The part where I want to want whatever it is that God wants. See, what I really want is to want exactly what I want but for what I want to also be what God wants so that I can have what I want.
This is me, apparently:
Ultimately, I'm glad that I realized where I had been coming from. Because, I think the initial prayer was a solid one. The words, I mean, I just needed to... get my heart there, too.
I also think I need to spend a little bit more time actively considering and trying to listen and find what God actually wants from me, rather than spending all of my mental energy on what it is that I want for me and then occassionally glancing up towards the heavens and saying, "Hey, if you have something else in mind just, you know, make me want that instead."
Yeah. So. That's the end of this blogpost.
Fin?
The End.
Come on, this is seriously it.
I literally don't have anything else to say.
WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?
Finished. Faneto. El fin!
This is it. Bye??
SERIOUSLY?
Okay b--
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