An Ode To Sookie St. James

I think I fell in love with her the moment that I saw her: beautiful, happy, talented, funny, and round. She was able to achieve it all--a supportive best friend, a fulfilling career, an adoring husband. She was never forced into a role of insecurity or reduced to an easy punchline. I first met her a decade ago. I grabbed on tight and to this day would sooner die than loosen my grip.

Sookie St. James.

She wasn't flawless. She was clumsy and at times neurotic. She could be overly sensitive and forgetful. She was often aloof. A perfectionist to a fault. But when the darkness starts to bully me, when magazine images come alive and start drawing dotted lines along my thighs, or when well-intended but ultimately harmful comments seep under my skin: she's the image I turn back to.

As much as we can point to movies, TV shows, books, and magazines and say, "Well that's not reality..." I think we all know that, at its core, storytelling impacts us in a major way. Stories--all sorts of them--are woven together to create our society's narrative. Thanks to their connotations, you only need a few simple words to create a pretty detailed and potentially damaging narrative. I don't want to delve too deep into this because I think we all know it intuitively. Uh... let's just use an ad to demonstrate:

Using images alone, the story here is: "I put on this particular mascara and now I'm gorgeous, edgy, and cool." When we factor in the slogan, "lots of lashes, lots of impact, not a lot of mess" the story elaborates a little: "I matter. Because I have some impressive eyelashes. But I'm still not high maintenance! Thanks to this particular mascara."

You get what I'm saying right?

Okay, cool, let's talk body positivity. One of the downsides to the ten-million-super-skinny-pretty-girl movies, TV shows, magazine ads, commercials, runways, musicians, songs, comic books, video games, and cartoons is the unspoken story: "skinny" is a requirement for the ideal woman. As a result, there are teenaged girls trying to starve themselves into worth, young women trying to seduce approval out of unworthy men, and a whole host of women scarring their bodies out of frustration.

Oh! Hey! Check out one of my favorite spoken word poems EVER! 
"I Know Girls" by Mary Lambert:

Cool. Back to the blog. In recent years, we've seen an increase of "real size" and "plus size" models in ad campaigns. Movies and television shows are seeking out more diverse casts. The overarching narrative is getting a lot more inclusive. (And before you get all huffy and start romanticizing media eras past, just consider the composition of FRIENDS versus the composition of Parks and Rec. Facts are facts, as time progresses we've seen greater diversity in age, race, gender, and body types in the media.)

It's not a secret that representation is important. Consider race for a moment. One test used in determining the outcome of Brown vs. Board of Education involved African-American children pointing at different dolls when prompted by a description. The test revealed that the children thought better thoughts about the white dolls, and discriminatory practices (the whole idea of "separate but equal") was determined to cause a feeling of inferiority amongst African-American children. But, in recent years, the doll test has been reformed and re-administered. Since desegregation, results have not been dissimilar to the original tests conducted by the Clarks. This is, largely, believed to be the result of living in a racist society--a society characterized by the negative portrayal of a certain group of people. (The most recent studies still, often, have unfavorable results, but they do show a trend toward higher self-image amongst African-American children. So, that's awesome news.)

I believe that as representation of all groups grow so will self-image and community acceptance. 

For me, very few things are quite as important as narratives featuring diverse, well-rounded characters. Lots of diverse well-rounded characters. 

And there are certainly strides in that direction. Now, back to the body shape sector of body positivity...

Throughout the past few years, we've seen more "real size" and "plus size" heroines in the media. Which is exciting and refreshing. But, there are aspects of several of these narratives that make me deeply uncomfortable--things that I can accept occasionally, but, to my infinite frustration find time and time again.

My first complaint is that the majority of "plus size" models and actresses are not "plus size" people. There are exceptions, of course. Like, these models for Target's swimsuit line are fairly diverse:

But other "real body/true beauty" campaigns are less satisfying. Take for instance, Dove's "Real Beauty" Campaign:

Here, we have various heights and ethnicities, but when it comes to size, we're tapping out at about a 12-14. It's still refreshing to see a representation of women who exceed a size six, none of these women deviate too far from traditional expectations. 

I remember in 2010 being so excited when Whitney Thompson, the "plus size" contestant, won America's Next Top Model. But I also remember wanting to chuck my Seventeen magazine featuring her spread at the wall as soon as I got it. 

Here it is, by the way:

I'd been hoping to feel represented when I flipped open my magazine. I wanted to see someone shaped something like me looking gorgeous and confident. Instead I got... every guy's dream girl? I felt the way I did the first time I watched Cinderella Story, when I sat in the movie theater and wondered, "Are we really supposed to believe Chad Michael Murry didn't want to date Hilary Duff before she curled her hair and put on a dress, because we all know she was pretty to begin with."

My second complaint is that with almost every plus-size bone curvy girls get thrown, there is deafening backlash. In summer of 2014, Meghan Trainor's All About That Bass became a power anthem for curvy women all across the United States.

Now, while many women grasped onto this song, excited at the lyrical declaration that rounded women are equally desirable to their thin counterparts, there was also a sizable backlash to the hit. Meghan Trainor isn't your typical size-4 pop star, but she also isn't confined to the "plus size" section of Forever 21. Despite her fairly good physique, many an angry internet troll insulted her size and claimed she was "promoting an unhealthy lifestyle" upon the release of All About That Bass's music video. Oh, you know what? Here are a couple of concrete examples that I found earlier today:


Aw, aren't angry body shamers so adorable?

The other major negative response to Trainor's song claimed that it supported body shaming rather than body positivity because it implied men preferred curvy women and it included the line, "I'm bringing booty back/Go 'head and tell them skinny bitches that"... (Then it says "Nah I'm just playin/I know y'all think your fat" but that part usually gets left out of skinny girl laments.)

Okay. So. Don't get me wrong: I'm really fighting the urge to delve into a lyrical analysis right now. But I'll save it for another day. But for now, just remember this:

(You should check out this whole twitter rant. It's pretty spectacular.)

And if you're interested, I've talked about All About That Bass before and you can follow these links and find more of my thoughts here:

• Regarding "worth based on male approval" 1, 2
• Regarding that Natalie Kills nonsense 1, 2, (this one's not mine but it's good)
• Partial Lyrical Analysis

The third incredibly irritating "fat girl heroine" trope I see frequently is "comedic overeating." First and foremost, this is troubling because binge eating is an actual, real, unrepresented and therefore underexposed eating disorder. Making it a joke in various narratives makes it harder to recognize as a legitimate struggle for others in our society. Furthermore, one of the biggest hurdles fat people have to overcome is the assumption that they constantly overeat and are overweight because of a poor diet of hyperbolic proportions. Not only does this trope exasperate this assumption, but... since most of the women portraying plus size heroines have average body types, the unspoken message is that anyone over, like, a size six gets that way from binge eating.

Take for example... 

The Mindy Project is one of my favorite shows and I totally want to be Mindy Kaling's best friend. But, here are some quotes from and about the character Mindy Lahiri regarding comedic overeating: 

• "But a doctor told me that my metabolism is so high that I basically have to eat every hour. That doctor... was me." 
• "I've been eating for two my whole life... and now I've actually got an excuse."
• "It's my favorite kind of cake: gigantic." 
• "I already ordered for us and ate all our appetizers. Should we order more?"
• "Over the holiday, I had five hams and a goose. I am a wolf in a children's story."
• "I ate an entire loaf of bread before I came here tonight."

I could go on, but I think you see the point. And, yes, part of the actual humor lies in how far these quotes deviate from reality. Like Mindy Kaling said on Jimmy Kimmel:

Finally, the hyper sexualized larger woman joke really grates my goat. (Enough to make me use the phrase "grates my goat" which I think we can all agree is a completely bonkers idiom.) Larger women are told, starting from a very early age, that they are not the physical ideal and, as a result, they won't be wanted. The women pursued in movies and TV shows are almost always tall, thin, with very tight clothing. Songs and stories pay tribute to tight stomachs, slender features, only certain specific curvatures. When larger women are presented as an object of desire, they're typically fetishized. He likes large women as compared to He likes that woman.

I was a junior in college when I read Eleanor & Park and it was one of the first times I had ever seen a fat heroine who got to fall in love respectfully (and didn't have to lose any weight in the process). It was... life changing. 

So! Now let's talk about Sookie St. James. 

In all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls, Sookie St. James was never once forced into a spell of insecurity regarding her physical appearance. She at times was insecure about work, parenthood, and relationships. But never ever about how she looked. 

Sookie St. James is almost always in the kitchen. Because she's a chef. But she's never binge eating. When she's frantic and stressed out, she's cooking. She's decorating cakes. She's scrapping old menus and writing up new ones. In fact, it's her skinny counterparts (Rory and Lorelai) who binge out every episode and could be accused of "promoting an unhealthy lifestyle." 

Sookie St. James gets to fall in love. In a none grotesque, fetishizing or mocking way. She gets to fall in love with someone who loves her back. She gets to decide who she wants. She gets to make a move. And yes she has to spend some time fretting--but not because she ever questions her worth. Only because she worries about changing the parameters of their relationship.

Jackson is Sookie's first relationship that the audience witnesses, and it's a successful one. Imperfect, yes. They fight, and miscommunicate, occassionally lie (sometimes in pretty big "oh yeah I definitely got that vasectomy like you asked me to" ways), and sometimes hold onto anger. But ultimately their relationship is built on friendship, love, respect, and support for one another. Most of the time, they treat one another with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness.



In one season, Sookie accidentally winds up on a date with a friend from college. (She was already married and had been under the impression they were just catching up.) So, while Jackson is the only person Sookie shows any interest in, other people do show interest in her. And her size is never presented as something they have to overcome they way teary-eyed Bianca Piper accused... uh... what's the dude's name in The DUFF again? oh well doesn't matter. that guy... "You're embarrassed to be seen with me at school." And it's never something she has to overcome, the way Rae had to walk away from Finn in My Mad Fat Diary or Janet's insecurity ran her away from Eddie in October Road.

Sookie is allowed a well rounded and fulfilling life. She wants to be a chef, so she is one. She wants a husband so she gets one. She wants to pursue a business with her best friend, so she does. She wants children so she has them. She's never reduced to a punchline. She's funny and talented, hardworking and kind. Everyone in town adores her. She gets to be emotional, flawed, and insecure in ways that never weaken her.

So, see, since the first time Sookie St. James appeared on my television screen, I've had a name to hold onto. 

With Love From 2:00 in the Morning

My mind, in an almost unforgivable act of betrayal, decides that I should still be awake at 2:00 in the morning. It does this from time to time, I think, for the sole purpose of reminding me that, if and when it chooses to, it can still be a b--I mean--witch.

Insomnia used to be a daily (or, rather, a nightly) reality for me. Throughout high school and college I was all too familiar with the exhausted body and active mind. Slowly, though, it started to fade. I spent more nights sleeping, and fewer nights tossing and turning bitterly. Occasionally, though, I like to revisit the good old days.

Things always start out the same. Somewhere between 10:30 and 12:00 I crawl into bed, read my devotional, journal a bit, then snuggle in with the intention to read some of whatever book I've been intending to read but then feeling too sleepy and letting my eyelids just drift close instead. Usually, that's it. I'm out. I'm dreaming about combination church services and rodeo shows or forgetting that I'm a vegetarian and ordering a steak or breaking out when I'm supposed to go on a date and then it's morning.

But on nights like tonight my mind drifts aimlessly for awhile and then zeroes in on a problem. Sometimes that problem is some kind of physical condition--a pain in my wrist, a tightness in my chest, an ache in my head--and then I dwell on if it's real or imaginary, if it's the result of temporary factor or a permanent condition, if it's a foreboding apparition or just the byproduct of being human. Sometimes it's a state of being--footsteps upstairs, music next door, too hot or too cold--and I start to wonder if it's something that I can just ignore, something that might stop soon, or something that I'll have to try to rectify. Sometimes it's a reminder--something I'd been intending to do, money that is owed somewhere, unfinished work, unsent messages--and it brings me to stare at the ceiling and chide myself, "this is absurd, you can't do anything about it right now, just worry about it in the morning," while also feeling the inability to do anything but worry about it constantly. Eventually the problem always becomes: I'm still awake and I should be sleeping.

In all my years suffering from insomnia, I have pretty much everything to help me sleep. I've listened to calming music, and I've listened to complete silence. I've gotten up and then gone through my entire evening routine a second time. I've read. I've counted backwards and thought of colors, I've made lists. I've tried to figure out whatever boring prayer the apostles were apparently praying when they were supposed to be staying awake for Jesus but just kept falling asleep in the garden instead.

These are the most effective techniques I've found:

• Ignoring the insomnia and pretending that I'm still in the "almost asleep" phase. It's nice when this one works because it gets me to sleep the fastest. BUT it doesn't always work. If I'm having trouble sleeping and I act like I'm not, I'll either fall asleep within the next hour or so, or I'll wind up glowering at my ceiling and muttering, "This is stupid and unfair just go to sleeeeep!!" under my breath. 
• So when that doesn't work, I'll try doing as much of the stuff that I'd have to do in the morning at night so that I could sleep later. It helps because when my brain starts to complain about how I'm still awake (as though it isn't to blame), I can kind of calm it with: yes but you get to sleep innnnnnn! Plus it kind of extra-wears me out. But the down side is, sometimes I'll get done with those things and I WON'T FEEL TIRED AT ALL I'LL JUST FEEL READY FOR THE DAAAAAY!!!
• So, the most effective thing I've found is (drumroll, please)... canceling stuff. This might be, in part, the result of the almost sick pleasure I get out of canceling things, but it's an almost automatic relief. So, in the middle of the night, I send emails or texts asking to reschedule meetings or canceling appointments or asking for rain checks for coffee/lunch/whatever plans. And then, almost always, I can just burrow back under my and fall asleep. Pretty much immediately.

Tonight, of course, none of those things helped. (I can't really cancel any of my tomorrow things, so I didn't try that one.) But sometimes that happens, too. So I just try to make the most out of my extra time in the middle of the night. I actually read a bit of the book that I'd been intending to read. I make goals and challenges for myself--schedules, lists, and organizers. I write my brain quiet again. And then, at super early AM, I reset my alarm to score myself a few more minutes or hours of sleep. And then, I try it all over again.